


of dandelions and borrowed time

by 94chaes



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: AGAIN I'M REALLY SORRY, Alternate Universe - War, Angst, Heavy Angst, I suck at tags, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Or not, Post-Death in the Family, Tissue Warning, dandelions just because, group ensembles, just angst i'm sorry, some are just said in passing, some not at all said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 10:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17599775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/94chaes/pseuds/94chaes
Summary: at twenty-three, kihyun breaks his promise.





	of dandelions and borrowed time

**Author's Note:**

> uh?? again, i'm sorry. find me at interstell4rs.

yoo kihyun, at the ripe age of sixteen, knew his brother wasn’t coming back home.  

 

when kids his age were being consoled and fed with lies about their older brothers and fathers not coming home from the war in the horizon, kihyun's parents looked at him carefully, waiting for him to explode, but he just gave them a worn-out smile. as if he had expected it a long time ago, even before hyunwoo stepped out of their home.  

the moment another person from the cohort,  _name’s jackson, sir. a friend of hyunwoo_ _and_ _not_ _hyunwoo_ , he simply knew his own brother was never coming home.  

he saw his mother fell into the ground sobbing, his father at a loss for words, and him immobile, staring at his dead brother’s satchel. the satchel he said he’ll fill with different things from places he had gotten from towns he visits and promised he would bring with him home. it was like an unspoken rule that whatever town hyunwoo might be, he would always snatch a few special things for kihyun.  

and when jackson handed him the satchel with a sad smile, kihyun couldn’t make out something but a weak  _thank you, sergeant._ and buried his face inside the satchel so deep he wanted to disappear inside the memory of his brother for the rest of his life.  

"he...” jackson hesitated, “he’s a good man.” he finished and walks out the door with a bow. kihyun knew his parents understood the connection he had with his brother, and how painful it must’ve been for him – so they leave him be, their pain hidden in the back of their minds so as not to add fuel to their already burning house.  

hyunwoo always wrote letters, their parents knew that, filled with everything kihyun was ever curious of. how he’s feeling, the scenery up where he’s at, the joys, the relief in his adventures that he almost constantly forgot his brother is fighting a war. it was like hyunwoo’s letters were another one of those books about the comforts of the war and never of chaos kihyun reads at the park’s library.  

and his brother’s death was the improbable end.  

inevitable doom, kihyun was no stranger to it. from growing up to a whole environment that didn’t know any better than to fight for everything and anything, kihyun knew there was an end to it, eventually. in his age, he knew that fathers and brothers who doesn’t come back means they’re dead – and no, not the he’s in a better place now. but  _he’s dead, that’s how it just is, yoo kihyun. suck it up._  

and he, unlike any other kids, accepted it just fine. no questions asked. accepted that hyunwoo was probably dead just like hundreds of relatives kids his age were mourning for.  

it was simply like that. it’s death that makes life simple to understand. kihyun never knew the meaning of it, nor did he want to. he just knew that no matter what he does, from this moment on, will never bring his dead brother back. so, he accepts.  

kihyun also understood that they were bullets in a gun, and his father and hyunwoo were the ones already fired.  

he glances at his father outside, worn out and in pain, just like the rest of his family days after the news of hyunwoo’s death. he stares as his father puffs out a big smoke before wheeling himself inside, kihyun’s eyes automatically fixes his eyes on the absence on where his father’s legs should be. but that was lost in war, too, just like the whole of hyunwoo.  

kihyun blinks and curses himself, he’s been staring at his father’s bandaged knees for too long that it started to hurt. his father notices and gave him a soft, yet sad smile, probably because kihyun was going to be just another replacement for his brother's place, just like hyunwoo was for their father. kihyun knew it will come to that in due time, that was all he ever asked for.   

“kihyun, honey, would you be a dear and pick up some dandelions from mrs. im?” his mother’s voice pulls him out of his trance, drowning him in reality. “we’ll need flowers for when…”  _hyunwoo’s body comes back._   

he nods, “okay, mother.”  

kihyun had been avoiding going out for the whole week due to the mess he’ll see once he steps out of their house, wives and siblings crying and cursing, as if it would bring their lost loved one back, and kihyun didn’t know how to help when he can’t even breathe in his own home.  

“also, before you forget, please offer our condolences to mrs. im, she lost jaebum this year, too.”  

it was like a greeting more than it is something that is said once, or twice, in between several years. in his town, where boys and men were picked out of their homes only not to come back home. and for mrs. im, she lost twice this year, not that anyone was counting.  

kihyun inhales the stench of death and chaos in every direction down to the ims, not forgetting what his mother told him to do. coming home with dandelions for hyunwoo.  

dandelions for the one who’s never coming back.  

  

   

  

at eighteen, kihyun is needed to go to war.  

kihyun was lost but a little excited, above all. his name is messily scrawled on the piece of paper in the middle of the town’s bulletin board. and as expected, he’s going in for his brother’s spot, filling in for hyunwoo’s ( _death_ , he wanted to say) place in their army – as if he hasn’t been playing a role for a year now.  

he gripped his brother’s satchel while he stares at the piece of paper a little more, his tears nonexistent.   

the burning desire to find more about hyunwoo’s world is more appealing than having to cut his childhood right there and then. his need to find out about hyunwoo’s life, and see what hyunwoo has witnessed is far greater than any other emotion a twelve-year old boy can even dream about.  

kihyun wanted to know what took his brother’s life.  

the grief became more of a desire, that the thrill of filling in for his brother’s spot is his sort of redemption. that maybe, maybe he’s enough.   

so without a word uttered, he went back home and packed his bags. his mother and father looking at him carefully, again, to see if he would explode into tears, or beg around like a child he was. but they should’ve known kihyun was different, he always was. his desire to do something and  _to be like_  his brother, god forbid, has proven kihyun to be completely different. his fate isn’t just a thing that could be sealed somewhere, tied to a war, tied to death like anyone else.  

kihyun flew, even if he’s had broken wings.  

“you… you’ll come home, right?” his mother’s voice wavered, and kihyun remembered remembered that it sounded the same as it did when hyunwoo was about to leave. “my dear boy, you’ll come home to momma, right?”  

“i…” kihyun hesistated. “i don’t want to break you, just like hyunwoo did.”  

“but promise me, still. even if you don’t mean it.” mrs. yoo’s voice is getting lost in sobs, clutching her son’s tattered clothes in hopes of making him stay. her little boy is going to war, and who knows what she’s going to welcome back.  

“i’m going to come back, mother.” he bit his lip, trying to not let a few tears escape his eyes. he glances at his father on the doorway.

and kihyun almost felt like he’s on fire. “i’m going to come back home, father.”  

he sighs to himself, getting bits of courage from where he can hold on to, and finally walked out the door. his memories and his life, from the moment he stepped out, would be gone in a blink. and the person whom kihyun was before that, was dead. that was probably what hyunwoo felt, faking a smile while waving at their home, assuring his family that it’ll be alright.  

kihyun looks back, he can see his mother waving at him from the front porch and his father nowhere to be found.  

he knew it would hurt less if they started to forget the moment he was called out for war. it would hurt less to pretend that they didn’t have a child, and he knew his father knew. and that’s what he did.  

he wasn’t out in an actual war yet it feels like he’s been shot dead in the chest and left to die.  

the town he spent eighteen years on blurs in a distance, and just a few army men, the baker’s son, and three troublesome kids as company.  

  

   

  

kihyun meets minhyuk at nineteen.  

he was loud. louder than his mother when she’s asking for something in the market. louder than the rooster in the morning. he was loud, and kihyun didn’t sit well with loud people.  

“you’re staring at nothing again.” minhyuk sits beside him, unbothered by his lack of sensitivity and nudges kihyun out of his trance. the baker’s son knew a whole awful lot but to shut his own mouth, kihyun thought. and ignores the guy completely. as if that’s stopped him before.  

“so, where do you think we’ll be next? i heard that the war is miles away from where we are right now. do you think we have more men? what do we do when we die? hey, your brother hyunwoo died in war, as far as i remembered, you should be scared, right? are you afraid?”  

_of what?_  kihyun asks in his head, tilting his head, and hopes that minhyuk would deem it as his way of letting minhyuk know he’s listening.  

“of dying, too?”  

kihyun stops polishing his gun and stares at the baker's son for a few minutes before continuing what he’s doing. he’s done enough of answering questions about death and about his brother that if he could just tattoo every answer in his forehead, he would. and whenever he tried to answer in a completely different manner, a way a twelve-year old kid was supposed to answer, he would get corrected even if kihyun knew better.  

or if any of the lies were correct.  

“death is inevitable.” kihyun said it in a whisper and fixes his eyes on the one dirty spot in his gun. “it is something we can’t stop from happening, so why be scared of it?”  

“lucky you.”  

kihyun knew minhyuk was afraid – hell, terrified on going to war. or even at the prospect of death. he was one of the kids who need consoling and lies in order to sleep well at night, not having to worry about his father coming home from war, because apparently, to mrs. lee, mr. lee was accepted as a baker in a far-away town, and was completely staying there for good. she has been one of the wives staying outside late at night crying, begging whoever was above the horizon, to give her husband back, all while minhyuk was fast asleep somewhere on the other side of town.  

“was hyunwoo afraid?” minhyuk asks, trying to find any other consolation he can hold on to. And kihyun, no matter how much he loathed the lies everyone tells to hide the truth about death, takes a bite at it.  

“no. i don’t think hyunwoo was.”  _he almost wasn’t afraid of anything,_ he thought.  

“should i be afraid, too?” minhyuk was unsure, and kihyun wanted to shout that minhyuk already is. but shakes his head in return, the voices inside his head cursing him for being a hypocrite.  

“i think not.” end of conversation. kihyun couldn’t try to elicit more lies and feed them to minhyuk. he could not stand the fact that kihyun and another lie will kill minhyuk someday, not that a lot of people around him didn’t. somehow it was a sad way to live. kihyun was no stranger to it.  

“oh, also! kihyun i found this postcard lying on one of the bins, it ain’t got a handwriting to it. so i                    guess you could add it to your collection, or whatever it is that you do with it.” minhyuk handed him the said item with a big smile and left him to help another one of the cohorts with his impeccable handiness skill. or just by running his mouth, minhyuk could distract lots of army men with his loud mouth, and men from the war needed a distraction, minhyuk and his talent of making people assure themselves of what comes after the war with endless stories about his youth makes the journey worth their while. it was like minhyuk’s innocence and ignorance about death and chaos was their escape, and maybe kihyun’s, too.  

he puts the postcard on hyunwoo’s satchel and stands, admiring the view from where their troop is resting. it should take them about a week to get where the war is tough, and kihyun can’t help but to shudder at the thought. though expected, he’ll never know the true essence of war and chaos the moment he steps to the battlezone. he glances back at minhyuk, having a new one-on-one conversation with the general, mark, and turns back in time to realize that minhyuk isn’t his business to deal with. mark could deal with it.  

kihyun thinks of how hyunwoo could’ve had friends and people he trusted in the line, and how much they could have easily protected his brother, but immediately brushes the thought off his head. they wouldn’t have known, like no one did.  

  

  

it goes like that, for a few days.  

everything is as peaceful as it can get -- and kihyun was  _terrified_. these parts were the dangerous ones, it goes from being very relaxed to being dead in a blink. even the general feels restless. it almost felt like someone was going to jump in on them any second and kihyun was almost close to losing his marbles.  

kihyun flinches every time someone made a sound, his eyes immediately searching for minhyuk or if he’s in a safe place. he felt overly protective of someone he never really knew, or thought of being so ignorant that it made kihyun’s head hurt. not to mention that minhyuk was supposed to be older than him, it was a duty kihyun put himself doing, and minhyuk was very happy to know someone had his back – even though kihyun denied the possibility every time he brought it up.  

kihyun was being something hyunwoo was, or who he failed to be: a dependable little brother, or a child who was supposed to be like his older brother.  

_well sorry for not being like hyunwoo, father._ he bitterly thought, looking around at where they camped for the time being. they were being so close to the warzone that kihyun could hear the cries of a thousand soldiers at night. it was like death was preparing the gun he would be a bullet on. And kihyun can’t help it but to willingly walk towards his own end.  

he wonders what kind of flowers would his mother will get at mrs. im when his corpse comes back home.  

or if he’ll get any.  

“so,” minhyuk starts. “general tuan said we’re almost at the horizon, one more town and we’re close. i can’t believe.” what he meant to say was  _kihyun, i’m very scared._  but he doesn’t need to say that aloud. kihyun knew, from the very start, that minhyuk treated this as just a simple trip with people he doesn’t know. he pretended, made himself believe that what’s on the other side was the place minhyuk would've really liked. but as the days passed, they all started feeling weary, and kihyun knew he was coming to terms with himself as they near what minhyuk’s been feeling.  

“we’re going to war.” he says after a while. it was as almost he was talking to himself. “we’re almost going to die, kihyun.”  

“you don’t know that.” kihyun breaks inside, from all the hypocrisy that he has been telling his comrade ever since. “no one knows that.” 

“you don’t get to do that, kihyun. i know how much you’ve tried to tell me that everything is gonna be fine when it’s not, okay… i know.  

“i’m not dumb, yoo kihyun. if that’s what’s inside all of your head.” minhyuk tries not let a few tears spill. kihyun coughs in attempt to push out the lump that formed in his throat. “i know i was scared but i tried to think that i wouldn’t. but seeing all of you pity me and what i made myself believe was far worse than death could give me.  

“it made me think that that’s what my mother did. and my father’s most definitely dead, and i didn’t got time to mourn for it. and it was too late to even mourn for it.” he spits, and kihyun could feel the anger that was coming off from minhyuk that it burned his eyes just by hearing the words come out of his mouth. “and i expected that you would somehow be different, just like i thought general tuan was different.”  

“you’re just a kid, minhyuk.” 

minhyuk hollowly laughs. “you are, too. actually, you are the youngest. but why does it feel like everyone is trying to treat me like it’s me?  

“is it because i’m the little boy who slept through his father’s death?”  

kihyun snaps his mouth shut, not knowing what to say at the time. he feels all of the men and boys look at them both. minhyuk was crying, that’s never good. he feels as if the general would scold him soon for making lee minhyuk cry, as pathetic as that sounded.  

“well, i’m not dumb, kihyun. you can lay off on telling me lies and making me believe that i’ll be okay after.”  

minhyuk stands, and that’s where the shooting began.  

kihyun doesn’t know how, but he stealthily grabs minhyuk and jooheon, one of the troublesome kids, along the way. he looks at general tuan and jackson trying to fight a few dozen men invading their camp. jooheon tries to hide in one of the sheds and kihyun tries to push minhyuk in it, and goes out with his gun, hands trembling.   

this was the first time the war felt a little more real as it should be, and kihyun was in nowhere near ready to face it. but he thinks of hyunwoo, and of minhyuk, and he charges.  

_hyunwoo wouldn’t have ran away, would he?_  and so he will not, even if he’s almost close to peeing his pants, amongst other things. he sees three of the boys they were with at the beginning of the journey gone, out like light without a fight. kihyun feels his whole life flash in his eyes, yet stood his ground. even when a man knocked him off his feet.  

he hears minhyuk scream for help yet kihyun couldn’t try to look. there’s something wet dripping on his face and kihyun immediately feels woozy. there was a line to being foolish and brave, and he didn’t know which one he crossed.  

he swings, but misses. his vision is getting blurry, and the man was at the verge of pointing a gun at him. he winces, this was the first time he’d ever faced such a crisis, and kihyun is going to possibly die with zero punches thrown. he hopes lieutenant jackson would remember the satchel he’s always carrying and bring it to his own family back home, carrying the same pain with him.  

 

kihyun, nineteen, and is about to die.  

  

   

  

he looks up at the sound of his life calling, the bullet is still not in his head. kihyun looks at general tuan with the same bloodshot eyes looking down at him. the older is screaming something at him while hauling him up.  

“get your ass up on the line and use your head for once, yoo kihyun!” he yells, and shoots another man down. kihyun grabs his gun too, shooting at people blindly because of his fear or pain, it’s hard to decide. it’s also hard to tell if it’s from their same own cohort, but kihyun tries his hardest anyway.  

minhyuk was nowhere to be found yet kihyun looks for him anyway – his grip on his gun tight, not letting it leave his sight in fear of his own life.  

and that’s where it happens.  

kihyun hears his name getting yelled, and the sound of what seems like the loudest pierce through his ear.  

he runs. as fast as his short legs could carry him to the barracks, flinging himself in front of minhyuk, but was too late in the slightest. he shoots the man before kneeling besides his fallen friend.  

“i…” minhyuk croaks out. “didn’t ask for you to protect me.” the words rang inside kihyun’s head amidst the fighting that was going on outside the quiet bubble they were both in. kihyun knew that the older was just trying to project the pain into anger, and kihyun knew.  

because that’s how his father dealt with pain in all of kihyun’s life that he was too familiar with the feeling.  

minhyuk was afraid, too afraid. but still, there was something inside kihyun and pushed him to say what he thought is better.  

“you’re okay, minhyuk. everything’s okay, we just…” minhyuk gave him a weak slap. “minhyuk, just, stay with me, okay?”  

“no… i never asked for this, kihyun. i never asked for a sugarcoated view of what this is. you don’t get to do that.  

“my mother… she – she hid everything away from me, kihyun. but at what cost? to protect me from what? so that i can be okay? safe? from what, exactly? death?  

“you… you all think you could protect me by all the lies you’ve told me. But you don’t get to treat me like i’m a fragile kid. because i am not.”  

but you are. kihyun wanted to scream, yet he felt what minhyuk was trying to tell him. the baker’s son was beyond terrified yet angry at everyone else for locking him away when the truth was a bullet stuck in his own chest. no one can protect him now, not even kihyun, not even general tuan, and not even god.  

“you don’t get to dodge a bullet meant for me, too.” he had the audacity to chuckle, and his tears were endlessly streaming down his face. minhyuk grips the younger’s hand tight that his knuckles were turning white. “i just wished you just stopped trying to protect me.” and in minhyuk’s last, dying breath, he smiles.  

“i wish we have met sooner.”  

kihyun slumps.  

the very thought that he didn’t want to impose on kids like himself was what he did, doing what minhyuk’s own mother has been doing for the rest of minhyuk’s life. he thought keeping the older away from the mess and the war would eventually make it avoid minhyuk, but boy was kihyun wrong. the moment he heard the scream, coming from minhyuk, he saw the glimpse of the bullet coming straight at the older, ending his life.  

kihyun breathes hard as he looks at general tuan, the fight seemed to have ended right there and then. and looks at the aftermath that he almost got back to the ground as he familiarizes himself with who general tuan was kneeling for. almost most of them were dead on the spot including jooheon _and_ minhyuk, kihyun almost felt lucky to have gotten out of it alive.  

“pack up, we’re moving out.”  

that was the last day he’d ever seen minhyuk, and the last time yoo kihyun spoke.  

  

   

  

at twenty-one, kihyun meets hyungwon.  

_privileged._ was automatically what kihyun thought when he entered the chae’s household. it was neat and posh, something he never saw in his old town and nothing unlike the high society he ever got to step in on. it was on a different level that kihyun can’t help but to  _feel_  annoyed. he stared at general tuan, making amends with the governor while all of them are sitting in the spacious living room. it was almost the size of kihyun’s whole house. it made him even more irritated.   

he bit his tongue to prevent himself from trying to get them kicked out of the town they're trying to seek shelter on. bitterly down his anger, he settles his eyes on the two boys watching the scene unfold from afar, overlooking their father, who, in general tuan’s words,  _the richest in the land._ which, in other terms, means no one dared to cross their borders. not even the militants battling them in the horizon. kihyun shifts his glare to the wooden floor.  

“we have wounded soldiers, governor sir. if we could just spend the night and then head to the horizon first thing in the morning, i promise. there will be no troubles.” general tuan says, silently seeking everyone’s approval for his last statement.  

the governor hums, contemplating on whether one dozen soldiers were worth the trouble. kihyun knew he was going to say no, the riches knew when or not to be caught in the mess they were too rich and privileged not to get caught in.   

“hyungwon, son, what do you think?” their heads all turn to the boys in the table. kihyun almost let out a scoff, feeling ridiculed that a boy his age was being asked in this situation. but regarding their circumstances, he subtly rolls his eyes instead. he then looks up to see the tall one,  _hyungwon_ , he presumes, staring straight at him. kihyun screams internally.   

“i’m pretty sure they can go on without our help, father. they seem to know what they’re doing.” the tall one was still staring down at him, voice laced with venom and it was almost terrifying to know that he was at the receiving end of it. general tuan and jackson turns to glare at him. “i’m obviously not going to offer our hospitality to someone who  _clearly_  doesn’t even want it.”   

“he didn’t mean it, sir." general tuan throws kihyun a pointed look, making the younger recoil in his seat.   

“i’m not the  _sir_  here, general. i’m a merely a son and an adviser of my father in this situation. i am also in nowhere near earning your respects just by merits.” he offers general tuan a polite smile. “i'm chae hyungwon. and i am humbly grateful that all of you are fighting for our own horizon down there. but keep in mind that we are also fighting for our own  _up here_ , no matter how pretentious it is. with lives in the line of danger just as yours.” he said it with such intimidation that all of the soldiers in the room made a silent agreement to just nod along, not clearly understanding what the battle up there is. kihyun almost wanted to stand his ground down, too. but as he is one of a kind, he does the opposite, surprising all the men in the room. his eyes staring at hyungwon with the same aura of intimidation as he would like to think.   

“well we  _lose_ people. friends and family alike with no choice if we wanted to or not. you filthy rich are just sitting here making your mouths run and not doing  _anything_ to stop it. going on about your days when you fail in the comfort of your own rooms,  _your majesties_.” 

kihyun's anger is evident, the memories of hyunwoo, minhyuk and jooheon surges through his chest. the whole room is quiet, even general tuan is at a loss for words. kihyun feels triumphant as hyungwon clenched his jaw, he also takes this as his cue to back down. but he’s wrong to think that it’s over yet.   

“just so you know, soldier. we lost people. without a fight, without warning, without a choice,  _too._  with politics just as dangerous as war, even sleeping is a burden. we,” he turns to look at his father and his brother, staring at him in shock. “lost family. because of soldiers like  _you_. who were supposed to fight and protect their  _own_ people.” that was called for, kihyun admits, but he doesn’t quite get what it meant, so he sits back, partly embarrassed.   

“also, just so you know, your parents picked this choice for you. just as their parents picked it for them. it’s for the horizon.” hyungwon turns to look at general tuan with a hidden smile in his face. “we suppose you could stay for the night.”   

  

  

 

kihyun should’ve seen it coming.   

he feels the blood trickle from his mouth, the blow of general tuan’s punch has shaken all the cells in his body. the moment general tuan asked him for a talk, he knew he’d get bloody punched soon. but for what it’s worth, general tuan was a bit on the slim side, so he didn’t expect how painful it his fists could be when in contact with his face. he almost lost a tooth if it wasn’t careful enough.   

“you idiot. you fucking idiot.” saying general tuan was furious is an understatement. it was a whole new level of mad that even jackson was surprised by the impact. “you run your mouth faster than you think, yoo. i am going to kill you.” he exasperatedly sighs, dropping his fists in his sides. “you should’ve known better, yoo kihyun.”   

kihyun knew that. he knew what to act and how to do it, yet he can’t brush off the feeling that people like the chaes could sit here and lounge around while minhyuk and jooheon got shot somewhere in battle fighting for their horizon. he bit his lip again, not wanting to blurt out what was in his thoughts and get punched, again. his face could only endure much, not to mention the scars from a few weeks ago during training.   

“seokjin, get him the fuck out of my face.”   

seokjin complies, and kihyun is more than happy to get out of there with his bloody face and bruised ego. there was complete silence before seokjin speaks up.   

“they lost lady chae and lady chae’s child a while back. some said hyungwon was trying to deal with the people on the other side for momentary truce but there was a spy in our troops and fired at lady chae, killing her instantly. they didn’t even know she was carrying a baby at the time. it was a big mess, politics. it was like walking on eggshells the entire time. no one is safe, yoo.”   

he hadn’t had the right to sleep that night, thinking about what has transpired in the past couple of hours. not that it ever mattered. he felt dumb and lost a few people. he fetches the satchel at the end of his bed, finding the postcard minhyuk gave him at the start of their journey and went outside, the pain of having the comfort of sleeping while most of his comrades followed death like lost puppies. it didn’t sit well in his stomach, so he goes outside to find a certain hyungwon basking himself under the moonlight.   

the bombings from afar looked like fireworks. it’s a never-ending thunder of pain and wallowing. and right before he knew it, kihyun is walking slowly to where hyungwon was.    

  

“it’s beautifully painful, isn’t it?” the tall one asks, kihyun can’t help but nod. he looks back at the memory of hyunwoo, minhyuk, and jooheon, whom he hasn’t had the pleasure of talking to but appears to be softer than minhyuk actually is, then back at the chaos from the distance. “i’m sorry that you didn’t get a choice. but that’s the way it is, isn’t it?” hyungwon looks back at him while kihyun stares at his postcard.   

“there are things we can’t quite change, believe me, we  _know_.  we saw it happened. we tried to fight it.” hyungwon trails. kihyun then takes notice of the tall one’s features, he was sad,  _burdened,_ even. 

kihyun takes a mental note of what seokjin told him earlier. “changkyun and i tried to fight for it. both literally and politically. i know you were probably unaware of the sacrifices we both did, because that’s what you guys all are, ignorant. blind.”   

“i apologize. i didn’t know any better.” kihyun bits his apologies down his throat, forming a huge lump that it made him breathe with difficulty. “seokjin, ah… one of them told me the story of lady chae.”   

“i’ve been through and was said worst. no worries, soldier.” he gestures for them to sit and kihyun obliges. “it was a memory in the past. we all lose someone, it’s just that some people hurt more than the others because of  _relations_. i understand the pain, i do.” hyungwon said it in a whisper that if kihyun wasn’t paying attention, he would’ve missed it. the fact that he was the one who made it clear that everyone loses someone, with or without war.   

“we just didn’t think it was from someone who claimed to protect the country.” hyungwon sighs, looking at kihyun’s tattered and worn out uniform. “my father’s just a bit concerned and worried that things might go the same way again. though the general made it clear that it won’t.” kihyun nods, looking down at the postcard again, contemplating on whether or not to give it to hyungwon as a compensation of the ignorant rant he had the displeasure of saying earlier. he gripped at it tight, the memories of minhyuk sitting idly in his mind, waiting for it to flood his thoughts once again.   

“yoo hyunwoo, isn’t it?” hyungwon’s voice cut the memories short, kihyun sits straight at the mention of his late brother’s name. “he was a  _good_  person, hyunwoo. though he was far too noble yet scared to do what he believed he can.”   

“i can tell by how you carry yourself.” he answers kihyun’s silent question. he supposes that a good and brave soldier like his brother would get around towns like these, he had always been like that. his name almost at the mouths of every elder that it was a burden to kihyun every living day. “and by your last name, i actually knew who you were before the bite, of course. wouldn't have been snappy if i didn't.” hyungwon chuckles.   

“he wanted you to know how much brave he was, from all the letters i helped him write. it always was an amazing time, trying to write to his little brother who idolized him more than ever. that he created someone who he’s not.” hyungwon throws him a sad smile, getting the card within kihyun’s grasp. “tell me, kihyun, what was so great about what hyunwoo wrote?”   

“not  _this_.” kihyun rolls his eyes, not quite getting what hyungwon wants him to get. “not death. not pain. just pure adventures of a soldier.”   

“how about love?”   

“nothing.” kihyun frowns when hyungwon lets out a chuckle. it’s hard for him to admit how it eased the weight he’s feeling as of the moment. “nothing at all. how do you like the letters, kihyun?”   

“it’s comforting.”   

hyungwon nods, a small smile gracing his lips. kihyun feels like the tall man knows something that he didn’t, and maybe he does, and kihyun couldn’t and would never know. instead, he feels himself smiling at the sight. “i’m glad it brought you comfort, my dear kihyun.”   

kihyun stares at him, eyes clouded with confusion and frustration that he can’t seem to know what the other was referring to. it seems as if kihyun can’t understand anything about the man, or apparently his brother. “the anger was called for. i knew he was what you meant.”   

“he wasn’t the only one.” kihyun butts in before the tall one could even get a word out of his mouth for the fourth time, kihyun was counting. “hyunwoo, wasn’t the only one.”   

“lee minhyuk. he was terrified of the prospect of going to war and of dying. just like every one of us, but he’s a little different.” kihyun remembers how much minhyuk would pretend to be asleep at night and hide himself by his bag, crying, whimpering. it would almost seem like he’s begging. “he was so afraid, yet he just accepted his fate like everyone else in the end.”   

“a friend.” hyungwon clicks his tounge and hands kihyun back the postcard he was holding on to. “anyway, yoo hyunwoo isn’t what you thought he is. a good man, sure. but brave? not quite, kihyun.”

“believe me, hyunwoo has been all my ass ever since i was born. he's admirable, everything i am not. that’s really so hard to believe. i think i know my brother more than you." kihyun is getting angrier by the minute.  _who was hyungwon to know what his brother was like?_ he thought. it was a shot to the heart. “we all know that he’s brave.”  

“you’ve obviously never been with him during war, kihyun. and that’s understandable, really.” hyungwon purposely pushed kihyun’s irritation out of his sheer amusement, as if he was ultimately dying to know the rest of the story from the other side – the other side, being the recipient of the letters, kihyun.   

“but a soldier’s adventure requires pain, sacrifice, loss. hyunwoo forgot to mention that. it’s easily because he didn’t do it. or he haven’t experienced such, anyway.”   

“what do you know?” he didn’t mean to snap, really, but he did.   

“everything. simply because it was me who mostly wrote what’s in those letters, kihyun.” hyungwon brushes imaginary dirt off his clothes and heads for the house without another word uttered. kihyun sits there for a second before he stops hyungwon from getting difficult to reach, both figuratively and literally. 

“wait.”   

“i’ve always admired you, kihyun. you exceed any expectations i have of you. for months i’ve thought that it was just in you that you feel inferior to your brother. but believe me, you are far from it.” he smiled so warmly under the cold night. “hyunwoo is anything you’re not expecting it to be, so don’t beat yourself up for it.”   

kihyun breathes, looking at hyungwon’s figure under the moonlight; confident, warm,  _comforting_. like he knew the answers to the world and all its mysteries are within his mind. kihyun wanted so badly to believe him, the postcard falling off from his hands as he trembles in the process. “you don’t know that.”   

“but i do, kihyun.”   

kihyun bit his lip. this was the answer he was seeking for ever since he stepped into war, into his personal vendetta against his brother that he masked it on with something so noble.  _this_ , believe it or not is what he came here to do. and here chae hyungwon was, providing answers to the never-ending question about what killed his brother.   

“tell me. tell me everything.”    

and that’s what hyungwon did, telling the stories of what hyunwoo was – far from what he thought his brother would be. from how he’s the one who’ll write the letters the nights hyunwoo broke down in tears because of how terrifying his situation was, how hyungwon would be the comfort of his brother through the war. the comfort kihyun himself have felt, the more he leans into the tall man’s touch.  

he feels the exact opposite of how he started to be.  

“hyunwoo was a good man. he just wanted you to know that he’s okay.  _we_ wanted you to know that things are okay even when they’re not. he just couldn’t make it, kihyun. he tried, but he couldn’t do it.” pain was evident in hyungwon’s voice, a feeling kihyun was sure hyungwon didn’t want anyone to see. it was far too late when he realizes that he’s reaching out for the younger’s hands, warmth enveloping the both of them in return.  

“i was young and a fool to let him fool you for who he was, kihyun. but there was nothing i could do. i couldn’t let you run around scared because his brother was. look at how it is for you now.” 

“you’re younger than me.”  

“but wiser. remember that  _i_ was the one who wrote them for him, soldier.” hyungwon smiles, bumping kihyun’s shoulders and leaning his thin frame towards kihyun’s afterwards.  

  

  

kihyun, at twenty-one,  _finally_ understands the luxury of comfort.  

 

 

“he was a good friend. he really was, kihyun. believe me. he may not be the one you expected he is, but he  _was_ a good man.” hyungwon repeats himself, circling his thumb on kihyun’s hand. “i know you have fallen in the idea of him being everything that you aren’t. but now, looking at you makes me marvel in ways i can’t even understand.” 

hyungwon looks at kihyun and smiles.  

“come back to me in the morning.” 

“i promise.” 

kihyun, in weeks of feeling restless, sleeps well that night.  

 

  

they set out at dawn, kihyun loading their weapons on the carriage with difficulty – not because of how heavy the artillery was, but because of the truth he had the chance of knowing. he didn’t know how to start and how to stop, hyunwoo’s lies and hyungwon’s revelations weighing on his mind. kihyun was at a total loss, feeling of nowhere to go but wait for himself to die.  

“easy there, soldier.” 

kihyun looks up from the heavy load and turns to see hyungwon in all his morning glory – it made kihyun’s heart ache in places and in reasons he couldn’t quite comprehend, but accepts anyway. hyungwon was a force to be reckoned with, the reason why he’s still carrying his dead brother’s satchel filled with messages that would never be justified with but of hyungwon.  

hyungwon hands him a piece of paper. 

  

“read this, then let’s see where the horizon takes us.” the taller one says, putting a small peck on kihyun’s dirt-stained cheeks. “read this and we’ll see. i have been waiting for months, and i’ll be waiting for you again. i may be young, kihyun, but i know i’m wise. you know where to come home, do you?” 

“stop treating me like a kid, hyungwon.” 

“please.” hyungwon tries to hold on to his hand, and kihyun just wanted to risk it all and drop it all for him but he can’t. he can’t be the man hyunwoo was, hell, he wasn't even sure who  _is_ he, after everything. “please just promise me you’ll come back to me.” 

“i will. i promise.” he takes hyungwon’s hand and kisses it.  

  

 

  

at twenty-three, kihyun breaks his promise.  

  

  

_dear hyungwon,_  

_the fight is too much. i don’t know how long can i do this, and i don’t know if we can win. we’ve lost many, my love. this is the end of the bargain, i’ve finally have the answer to what took my brother’s life away, and no matter how many times i’ve wanted to rewind the moments that i claimed i wanted to be like him – i can’t._  

_thank you. for sharing comfort in the middle of the chaos._  

_you are my comfort. you are the light i’ve been finding and the validation i desired. you are the love of my life, or what’s left of it. i’m sorry. we are on borrowed time, in borrowed lives. i ask more of what was last night, but alas, we can’t. maybe in another life, hyungwon._  

 

_i’m sorry. good bye._  

 

it arrives at the chaes with dandelions. 

dandelions for the one who thought could come back, but didn’t.  

 


End file.
